


Pretending (She’d Be Fine)

by JamlessGenius



Series: I Love You (But You Didn’t Choose Me) [1]
Category: TWICE (Band)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Hurt Chou Tzuyu, Introspection, Self-Denial, Self-Hatred, Soliloquy, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-02
Updated: 2020-06-02
Packaged: 2021-03-03 19:27:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24500791
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JamlessGenius/pseuds/JamlessGenius
Summary: “Tzuyu? Are you okay?”She was wearing another one of her sweaters.“Oh? I’m fine, just tired.”And she smiled.(No, I cannot have you, I cannot have you without drowning)Or: Chou Tzuyu pretends.
Relationships: Chou Tzuyu/Son Chaeyoung
Series: I Love You (But You Didn’t Choose Me) [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1813669
Comments: 4
Kudos: 48





	Pretending (She’d Be Fine)

**Author's Note:**

> SVRCINA “Island”
> 
> Alec Benjamin “Pretending”

_ Almost so perfect _

_ The way that I want you _

She was so pretty, in Tzuyu’s sweater. She’d stolen it, and was aggressively dancing to a terrible bass-boosted song. But she was smiling and laughing and so, so beautiful.

_I'm almost deserving when_ _ I get close to you _

She smiles at her, looking up because she’s smaller. At first, Tzuyu had silently envied that. Now, there was nothing she wanted more than to silently stay tall and hold her close and look down into those eyes. But they’re close friends now, bandmates who’ve stuck with each other and helped each other through a lot. She can get close, but she knew about the line right before her that she couldn’t cross.

_ I disappear _

_ Lost in the waves _

_ I go under, under _

She’s laughing and the others are rolling their eyes, hiding their own fond giggles. 

Twice was so affectionate towards this lunatic. But Tzuyu really, really liked her. Not the way they did. Their kind of fondness was not her kind of fondness, embarrassingly enough. She caught Jihyo unnie’s glance between her and the pineapple patterned pullover unnie knew she’d bought on impulse (while thinking about Chaeyoung).

Tzuyu knew better than to say anything. Tzuyu was Chaeyoung’s friend. And she was the type that valued her duties. 

Friends don’t fall in love with friends.  


Friends don’t fall in love with friends that they work with.

So she said nothing about it.

If she tries, she holds onto the hope that she can forget about this.

_ I am an island _

_ You are the ocean _

_ So close we're touching_

_Completely surrounded _

She should know better. 

Everything she looks at these days reminds her of the small member. Every time she passed through her mind, shy smiles when they cheer on her singing, exaggerated facial expressions, the way her eyes move when she has to do something she doesn’t want to. And she’s fond of it all.

All of Chaeyoung, she was fond of.

_ But I cannot have you_

_The way that I want to _

_ Because I am an island_

_You are the ocean _

_ No, I cannot have you_

_I cannot have you without drowning _

And she wants to slap herself. Or at least lock herself in the bathroom and cry. She’s an idol. She can’t safely like a guy, so how could she like a girl? 

She’d destroy everything she worked so hard for. That they had worked so hard for. So she’d bury it in the name of their continued success. Because even if it hurts, she can watch her big sisters smile and laugh.

So she soldiers on, pretends there isn’t that pain in her chest when she remembers how close but how far she is.

_ My breath is shallow _

_ I just can't catch it _

A lump tries to form in her throat. And she promises herself that this is enough. Seeing her smile is enough.

It has to be.

It can be, can’t it?

_ My heart is breaking _

_ Feel the waves crashing _

It’s not though. Tzuyu isn’t stupid. But she needs to force herself to it. In this world, a small move can end in so much pain. She’d experienced it before. So she let everything she couldn’t let in pool around her, and forced herself to be impenetrable to emotions she couldn’t afford to have. If she pretended long enough, they stopped trying to make their way in.

And by now Chou Tzuyu was in deep, very deep. If she stumbled, she’d drown.

_ New storm is building  _

_ If it rages I'll go under, under _

She’d drown, for sure.

Drown in the disappointment of others, the pain of the members, and in her feelings that she pushed back. Her anxieties she didn’t face, her stresses she bottled up, and the love for someone else that she couldn’t acknowledge even as it loomed behind her.

Maybe she already was drowning.

_Because I am an island_

_You are the ocean_

_So close we're touching_

_Completely surrounded_

_But I cannot have you_

_The way that I want to_

_'Cause I am an island_

_You are the ocean_

_No, I cannot have you_

They’re in close quarters, Twice always is. And that closeness has to be enough. 

So she watches her steal her clothes around the dorm and says nothing because in those moments when she sees her (so, so pretty) friend smiling and laughing, she can pretend, for a moment, that she knows how Tzuyu feels and in some one in a million universe, a grain of salt in the multiverse’s ocean, loves her back.

_I cannot have you_

_Without drowning_

It’s only pretending, though.

She hates herself for it, because it’s so pathetic of her. Chou Tzuyu, an adult, playing pretend because she can’t face her own reality that she put herself in.

_ I see you out there _

_ I'm lost in the blue _

_ I'm part of your world but I cannot have you _

Some nights, Tzuyu stares at the ceiling and muffles her cries because it hurts and it shouldn’t. Loving someone was supposed to be some sort of dream come true. So why did she feel like this? Jealous at every smile towards another girl? Hating herself for pushing herself back and hating herself for trying to go forward?

_ Cause I am deserted and you are too deep _

Over meals, she sneaks a glance and pretends it’s just them, like they’re on a date. It’s stupid and she hates every second she pretends.

_ I cannot love you without losing me _

But pretending is all she can do. Because she’s either a coward or dedicated to something else and she doesn’t even know which.

_ I am an island _

_ You are the ocean _

_ We're so close we're touching_

_Completely surrounded _

_ But I cannot have you_

_The way that I want to _

_ 'Cause I am an island _

_You are the ocean _

“Tzuyu? Are you okay?”

She was wearing another one of her sweaters.

“Oh? I’m fine, just tired.” 

And she smiled.

_ No, I cannot have you_

_ I cannot have you _

_Without drowning _

If it was for them, even if it ripped her heart to shreds and filled her lungs with water, she’d pretend. Because that’s what Chou Tzuyu did.


End file.
